June 23, 2017, 02:19:42 PM
April 09, 2015, 11:23:56 PM by Acans | Views: 1502 | Comments: 0

Back in 2011 when my first long term relationship ended, I changed my About Info on Facebook to a status I made. I only noticed today, over three years later it's the same and has never been changed.

The truth is, I'm not mad at you. I'm just hurt; and the fact that every time your name pops up on my phone or computer, my heart sinks a little bit deeper. You don't realize what you've made me go through; but i can guarantee you, or anybody else won't do it again.

Well, I'm not hurt anymore. But that guarantee didn't happen, at least not till the second. I meet another who just got outta a long term relationship, and we both rebounded hard. That story could be a Light Novel, but short story I fell in love for the wrong reason. Basically she reminded me of my first, body and brains. Although her personality and emotional problems were defiantly a handful. Once that came to an end and I realized my mistake, that is when I can truly say it was a guarantee.

So much so that it has changed me completely. My two relationships since, I've reminded so detached emotionally detached that I've hurt both of them. The first, constantly knowing I was moving to WA. It ended a month later when she couldn't deal with it anymore. Funnily enough, it was my best friend that convinced me to actually give it a try because he through I wasn't coming to WA.

The second, while I was in WA. I could tell she fell for me after the first month, and it went on for a good nine months. It started to fall apart when I didn't want to do the same things as she did, mainly go to night clubs, etc. In the end, I was so emotionally detached I treated her more like a fuck buddy, and my best mate in WA told me I had to stop because she had fallen head over heals for me. When I went to Karratha for two weeks, I had noticed she wasn't talking to me the same again. I asked her, and she admitted that she went uptown and hooked up with another guy. I realized what I had done, and call it off.

The thing these had in common, I've never talked to any of them ever again. I see ex's still talking to each other trying to be friends, and the pain it puts them through. One still wanting them to be together, and other trying so hard not to hurt them. Most of the time, actually hurting them more because they start believing in the hope that they can be together again.

Remembering all this just reminds me how emotionally fucked I really am. But this also spreads into my social life too, I have no faith or trust in anybody new. Those who have it, I've known since before my first breakup. I'm not emphatic at all, if somebody tells me some terrible that's happened, I just thing to my self "that sucks". I just don't care, and I have to act that I care for my job. However I'm pretty sure they known it's just an act, otherwise I'm either a better actor than I think I am, or humanity can't see through shit like that. While on that subject, I'm so much more observant. Picking up on the smallest things, what people do including facial expressions, where their eyes wander, my surroundings. All so I can stay one step again, complying enough blackmail should I ever need it.

I mean seriously, following a strangers expressions and actions to ensure I have blackmail or something to use against them. I may never see them again, they could be a great person. But I just can't trust or let myself be unguarded. Why, well that's simple answer. Hell, even I know why. Fear, I'm afraid of being hurt like that again, and I desperately try to make sure it never happens again.

I know one day I'll have to let somebody in, not just my past, but my pain, my fear, and more about my personality that I don't even dare to blog. You know I never thought I would use this blog as a place for personal stuff, but I guess I just don't have that much of an interesting life to post anything else. Maybe I should start a site for Gaige, a place to write about his life. Now that's an interesting read...
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Acans
April 19, 2015, 06:32:19 AM